Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 4, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > Back on Tatooine, Luke, Ben and the droids are in front of a sandcrawler. > LUKE: It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right. Look, Gaffi sticks, > Bantha tracks. It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything > this big before. > Ben is crouching in the sand studying the tracks. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I found some sand! > BEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are > side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to SERVO: Play leapfrog. > hide their numbers. > LUKE: These are the same Jawas that sold us Artoo and Threepio. > BEN: And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial > stormtroopers are so precise. > LUKE: Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas? (thinks) If > they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold > them to. And that would lead them back... home! > Luke reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for the speeder > and jumps in. > BEN: Wait, Luke! It's too dangerous. MIKE [as Ben]: Err.. on second thought, go ahead Luke! > Luke races across the wasteland in his battered Landspeeder. CROW [as Luke]: Did I leave the iron on? > The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Luke jumps out and runs > to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered > everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place. > LUKE: Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru! Uncle Owen! SERVO [as Luke]: Buffy? Chief? CROW: McCloud? > Luke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly > he comes upon their smoldering remains. He is stunned, and cannot speak. > Back on the Death Star, two stormtroopers open an electronic cell door > and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Princess Leia's face is > filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as a giant black > torture robot enters. > VADER: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your > hidden Rebel base. > The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches > Princess Leia and extends one of its mechanical arms, bearing a large > hypodermic needle. MIKE [as Leia]: Okay, you win! It's concealed in my hair! > There is a large bonfire of Jawa bodies blazing in front of the > Sandcrawler as Ben and the robots finish burning the dead. Luke drives > up in the speeder and Ben walks over to him. CROW [as Ben]: Where ya been, Wormie? > BEN: There's nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. > You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would be in the hands > of the Empire. > LUKE: I want to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing here for me > now. I want to learn the ways of SERVO: Satan! MIKE [disapprovingly]: Tom... > the Force and become a Jedi like my father. > The Landspeeder with Luke, Artoo, Threepio, and Ben in it zooms across > the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at > Mos Eisley. Luke and Ben stand on a high cliff, looking down at the > spaceport. ALL [shouting]: Ben! Push him off, Ben! > BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of > scum and villainy. We must be cautious. MIKE: We might be giants. > Ben looks over at Luke, who gives the old Jedi a determined smile. CROW [as Luke, idiot voice]: Huh huh. Y'er purty. > The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened > stormtroopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Luke. > TROOPER: How long have you had these droids? > LUKE: About three or four seasons. > BEN: They're for sale if you want them. > TROOPER: Let me see your identification. SERVO [as Trooper]: Have you been wormed? > BEN: You don't need to see his identification. > TROOPER: We... don't need to see his identification. > BEN: These are not the droids your looking for. > TROOPER: These are not the droids we're looking for. > BEN: He can go about his business. SERVO [as Luke]: The hell? > TROOPER: You can go about your business. > BEN: (to Luke) Move along. > TROOPER: Move along. Move along. > They drive along, stopping in front of a cantina. A Jawa rushes up and > examines Luke's speeder. > THREEPIO: I can't abide these Jawas. Disgusting creatures. > As Luke gets out of the speeder he tries to shoo the Jawa away. CROW [as Luke]: Go away! Waaaaah! Waaaaah! > LUKE: Go on, go on. I can't understand how we got by those troopers. > I thought we were dead. > BEN: The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded. You will > find it a powerful ally. MIKE [mechanically, as Luke]: The Force has a strong influence on the weak-minded. I will find it a powerful ally... > LUKE: Do you really think we're going to find a pilot here that'll take > us to Alderaan? > BEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only > watch your step. This place can be a little rough. > LUKE: I'm ready for anything. SERVO: How 'bout some ACTING LESSONS? MIKE: That's enough, Tom. > THREEPIO: Come along, Artoo. > The young adventurer and his two mechanical servants follow Ben Kenobi > into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a > startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the > long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, > thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures > huddle over drinks. [Mike and the Bots dance wildly in their seats to the music of the Cantina theme.] > Ben moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but > human scum. A huge, rough-looking Bartender stops Luke and the robots. SERVO [as the Bartender]: Hi, honey. > BARTENDER: We don't serve their kind here! > Luke still recovering from the shock of seeing so many outlandish creatures, doesn't quite catch the bartender's drift. > LUKE: What? > BARTENDER: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside. We don't want > them here. > Luke looks at old Ben, who is busy talking to one of the Galactic > pirates. MIKE [as the pirate]: Har! Shiver me timbers on a dead man's chest... > He notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving > him a very unfriendly glare. Luke pats Threepio on the shoulder. SERVO [as Luke]: Hey! Tin Pants! > LUKE: Listen, why don't you wait out by the speeder. We don't want any > trouble. > THREEPIO: I heartily agree with you sir. SERVO [as C3PO]: Later, Wormie. > Ben is standing next to Chewbacca, an eight-foot-tall- hairy wookie. > Ben speaks to him, pointing to Luke several times during his conver- > sation. CROW [as Ben]: Isn't he the geekiest guy you've ever seen? > A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives Luke a rough shove. > CREATURE: Negola dewaghi wooldugger?!? > The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Luke tries to ignore the creature > and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human and an even smaller > rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity. > HUMAN: He doesn't like you. > LUKE: I'm sorry. > HUMAN: I don't like you either CROW [as the human]: I'm more of a cat person. > HUMAN: (continued) You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have > the death sentence in twelve systems. SERVO [as the human]: And three unpaid parking tickets! > LUKE: I'll be careful then. > HUMAN: You'll be dead. ALL: Yay! > His three adversaries ready their weapons. Old Ben moves in behind Luke. > BEN: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you > something... > A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature sends the young would-be > Jedi sailing across the room, crashing through tables. SERVO [as Luke]: WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH! > With a blood curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome laser > pistol from his belt and levels it at old Ben. The bartender panics. > BARTENDER: No blasters! No blasters! > With astounding agility old Ben's laser sword sparks to life and in a > flash an arm lies on the floor. CROW [as Ben]: Oops. Sorry, Luke. > Luke, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts > to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The > cantina goes back to normal, although Ben is given a respectable amount > of room at the bar. Luke, rubbing his bruised head, approaches the old > man with new awe. Ben points at the Wookiee. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Monkey! > BEN: This is Chewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our > needs. > Strange creatures play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments. MIKE [yelling, drunk voice]: Play 'Free Bird'! > Luke follows Ben and Chewbacca to a booth where Han Solo is sitting. > HAN: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells > me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Eh? The Aluminum Stallion? > BEN: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship. > HAN: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Maybe. I forgot the question already. > BEN: Should I have? > HAN: It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs! > I've outrun Imperial starships, not the local bulk-cruisers, mind you. > I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now. She's fast enough for > you, old man. What's the cargo? > BEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked. SERVO: And a package that absolutely positively *has* to be there overnight. > HAN: What is it? Some kind of local trouble? > BEN: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements. > HAN: Well, that's the trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you > something extra. Ten thousand in advance. > LUKE: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that! > HAN: But who's going to fly it, kid! You? > LUKE: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! MIKE [as Luke]: I was in Wing Commander, you know. > We don't have to sit here and listen... > BEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand > now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan. CROW [as Ben]: For a total of $2,015. > HAN: Seventeen, huh! (thinks) Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. > We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four. > BEN: Ninety-four. SERVO: Ninety-four. CROW: Ninety-four. MIKE: So, which docking bay are they meeting at? > HAN: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your > handiwork. > Ben and Luke turn around to see four Imperial stormtroopers looking at > the dead bodies and asking the bartenders some questions. The bartender > points to the booth. SERVO [as the Bartender]: Yeah, I don't understand this so-called modern art either, but the artist is over there. > TROOPER: All right, we'll check it out. > The stormtroopers look over at the booth but Luke and Ben are gone. The > bartender shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement. > HAN: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This > could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready. MIKE [as Han]: Do her hair and makeup. > Luke and Ben are back on the streets of Mos Eisley. > BEN: You'll have to sell your speeder. > LUKE: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again. CROW [as Luke]: Until Return of the Jedi. > As Han is about to leave, Greedo, a slimy green-faced alien with a > short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. The creature speaks in a > foreign tongue translated into English subtitles. > GREEDO: Going somewhere, Solo? > HAN: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. > Tell Jabba that I've got his money. > Han sits down and the alien sits across from him holding the gun on him. SERVO [as Han]: Have a shot. I mean SEAT! SEAT! > GREEDO: It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. > Jabba's put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in > the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first. > HAN: Yeah, but this time I got the money. MIKE: Show me the money! Show me the MONEY! > GREEDO: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you. > HAN: I don't have it with me. Tell Jabba... > GREEDO: Jabba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who > drop their CROW: Pants. > shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. > HAN: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice? MIKE [as Han]: No, the activists have made that damn near impossible. SERVO: Now who's being dark? MIKE: Sorry. > Han Solo slowly reaches for his gun under the table. > GREEDO: You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship. > HAN: Over my dead body. > GREEDO: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long > time. > HAN: Yes, I'll bet you have. > Greedo fires at Solo, but misses. Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in > a blinding flash of light. SERVO [singing]: Blinded by the... MIKE: Tom! > Han pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patrons > look on in bemused amazement. CROW: So now he's Robert Cray all of a sudden? > Han gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some > coins as he leaves. > HAN: Sorry about the mess. MIKE [as Han]: Chewie wasn't wearing his diaper. > Back on the Death Star... > VADER: Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable. It will be some > time before we can extract any information from her. > IMPERIAL OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. SERVO [as the officer]: Here's the receipt. > All systems are operational. What course shall we set? > TARKIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion. > VADER: What do you mean? > TARKIN: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. CROW [as Mr. Burns]: Release the hounds. > (to soldier) Set your course for Princess Leia's home planet of > Alderaan. > TROOPER: With pleasure. > Back in Mos Eisley, storm troopers are searching for the droids. > THREEPIO: Lock the door, Artoo. > One of the troopers checks a tightly locked door and moves on down the > alleyway. The door slides open a crack and Threepio peeks out. Artoo is > barely visible in the background. > TROOPER: All right, check that side of the street. It's secure. SERVO: Well if they already know it's secure, why do they need to check it? > THREEPIO: I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stay > here with you. I don't know what all the trouble is about, but I'm > sure it must be your fault. > Artoo makes beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: You watch your language! > Ben and Luke are standing in a sleazy used speeder lot, talking with a > tall, grotesque, insect-like used speeder dealer. The insect concldes > the sale by giving Luke some coins. CROW [as the Insect]: There. Go play the jukebox. > LUKE: He says it's the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out, they're > just not in demand. > BEN: It will be enough. > Ben and Luke leave the speeder lot and walk down the dusty alleyway. > Luke turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as > he rounds a corner. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! My speeder! > A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches > them as they disappear down another alley. MIKE [dramatically]: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? > BEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well. > Jabba the Hut and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures > stand outside the Falcon. SERVO: The hell? Jabba wasn't in this movie! MIKE: It must be one of the scenes they restored. Let's watch. > JABBA: Come on out, Solo! > Han steps out from behind Jabba. > HAN: I've been waiting for you, Jabba. CROW [as Han]: But I can't hold out forever. I need a commitment! > JABBA: Have you now. > HAN: I'm not the type to run. > JABBA: (fatherly-smooth) Han, my boy, there are times when you > disappoint me...why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to > fry poor Greedo like that... SERVO: Fried Greedo? Isn't that a Mexican dish? CROW AND MIKE: Mmmmm! > after all we've been through together. > HAN: You sent Greedo to blast me. > JABBA: (mock surprise) Han, why you're the best smuggler in the business. > You're too valuable to fry. He was only relaying my concern at your > delays. He wasn't going to blast you. CROW: Much. > HAN: I think he thought he was. Next time don't send one of those twerps. > If you've got something to say to me, come see me yourself. > JABBA: Han, Han! If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice... > you understand I just can't make an exception. Where would I be if > every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first > sign of an Imperial starship? SERVO [as Han, hysterical]: But what about *my* needs? > It's not good business. > HAN: Even I get boarded sometimes, Jabba. I had no choice, but I've got > a charter now and I can pay you back, plus a little extra. I just > need some more time. [The Bots make the "60 Minutes" ticking sound.] > JABBA: (to his men) Put your blasters away. Han, my boy, I'm only doing > this because you're the best and I need you. So, for an extra, say > twenty percent I'll give you a little more time...but this is it. If > you disappoint me again, MIKE [as Jabba]: We're breaking up. > I'll put a price on your head so large you won't be able to go near a > civilized system for the rest of your short life. > HAN: Jabba, you're a wonderful human being. CROW: Is that "irony", Mike? MIKE: Only if your name's Alanis. > Chewbacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Ben, Luke, > and the robots make their way up the street. The darkly clad creature > has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway > and speaks into a small transmitter. MIKE: John Merrick, no! > Chewbacca leads the group into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. > LUKE: What a piece of junk! > The tall figure of Han Solo comes down the boarding ramp. SERVO [as Solo]: I'm huge! > HAN: She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, > but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special > modifications myself. CROW: He installed a foosball table. > HAN: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of > here. > The group rushes up the gang plank, passing a grinning Han Solo. > Chewbacca settles into the pilot's chair. MIKE [as Chewbacca]: Engage. > Eight Imperial stormtroopers rush up to the darkly clad creature. > TROOPER: Which way? > The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay. SERVO [singing]: Sitting on the docking... bay.... CROW: Good one, Servo! > TROOPER: All right, men. Load your weapons! > The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay > entrance. > TROOPER: Stop that ship! CROW: In the name of love! > TROOPER: Blast 'em! > Han draws his laser pistol and pops off a couple of shots which force > the stormtroopers to dive for safety. The pirateship engines whine as > Han hits the release button that slams the overhead entry shut. > HAN: Chewie, get us out of here! > The group straps in for take off. MIKE [in a "stewardess" voice]: For your safety, please observe the exits to the front and rear of the vehicle. Your seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device in the event of emergency. > THREEPIO: Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel. > The half-dozen stormtroopers at a check point hear the general alarm > and look to the sky as the huge starship rises above the dingy slum > dwellings and quickly disappears into the morning sky. SERVO [Top Gun voice]: Maverick!!! > Han frantically types information into the ship's computer. MIKE [as Han]: Okay Chewie, let's get a game of QUAKE going... > HAN: It looks like an Imperial cruiser. Our passengers must be hotter > than I thought. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield > while I make the calculations for the jump to light speed. > The Millennium Falcon pirateship races away, followed by two huge > Imperial stardestroyers. > HAN: Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to > cut us off. > LUKE: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast. > HAN: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself > floating home. CROW: Ba da BING! > We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I > know a few maneuvers. We'll lose them! > The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window. > HAN: Here's where the fun begins! MIKE [flatly]: We're ecstatic. > BEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed? > HAN: It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi- > computer. CROW: Ah, they must be connecting through America Online. > LUKE: Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining... > HAN: Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! > Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star > or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real > quick, wouldn't it? > The ship is now constantly battered with laserfire as a red warning > light begins to flash. > LUKE: What's that flashing? SERVO [as Han]: A red warning light. > HAN: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going > to make the jump to light speed. > Han flips a lever, and the Millennium Falcon zooms into infinity in > less than a second. MIKE: Whoa. Trippy. SERVO: Hey, it's time for *us* to zoom into infinity, isn't it? [He climbs into Mike's lap. Mike and the Bots leave the theater and we go to commercials.] -- END PART 4 --